Farm Boy, Fetch Me That Pitcher.

I've figured it out: Broker looks like a taller, chunkier Cary Elwes... with brown hair... and a bit of a higher voice... (You know Cary Elwes - of Princess Bride fame? Our dear sweet Westley, with eyes like the sea after a storm? Yeah, that guy). I saw him again on Sunday. But wait, let's backtrack a bit. It's been a big week.

Gilbert was a no show on the 8th. As a matter of fact, he's still not back. He sent me a message, and apparently he'll be staying in the Czech Republic pretty much all summer. What's worse, I'm pretty sure I dropped the ball in the way that I responded. I think I overdid it. I haven't heard from him in a few days... But perhaps it's for the best. It's tough to imagine having to get to know someone all summer over email, staying interested while still remaining uninvested.

So then there's Broker. He sent me an email last Sunday asking me to dinner and a movie. I put off answering for a day or two, partially because I was hoping that Gilbert would come home and I could meet him first... but also because I think dinner and a movie was a little daunting to me. It's so datey! Could I really find conversation topics to fill a full meal? This guy doesn't talk much. And there's also the issue of pay. He paid for our drinks last time, so does that mean he'd pay for the date this time too? I'd feel horrible letting him dish out all that cash just for me to later tell him that I was more interested in someone else. But if I offered to pay for just my share, wouldn't that be a little cold? And it would definitely be sending the wrong message if I paid for both of us...

Fortunately, Broker solved the problem for me. He got a little anxious, so he texted after a day and a half of non-response from me. He asked if I wanted to go out again sometime. This was my big chance to date on my own terms! I responded:

"That'd be fun! I'm crazy busy with work right now, but I could spare a few hours away! I'm free Sunday afternoon - wanna go for a walk?"

That's right, a walk. Nobody would have to pay, it provides great opportunity for conversation, and is not nearly as intense. Brilliant.

So we met for our walk on Sunday. He picked the location and we ended up walking through a neighbourhood in the city that I hadn't yet explored. It's a beautiful area with huge houses (going for about $5 million each) and nice walking paths, etc. It was a nice walk. We talked, we laughed... we were silent sometimes, but it wasn't awkward. We found a park bench facing some tennis courts and we sat and watched the tennis players for about an hour. When I had to go, he offered to walk me back to my car. I declined (I'm still not very good at letting go of my Strong, Capable Woman in order to allow a man to take care of me).

On our first date when it was time to go, I went in for a hug at the end. This time, I decided to let him call the shots. He stood there awkwardly for just a little too long, so I smiled, said goodbye and walked away.

I think that right there is the main problem. Broker's just fine, really. He's nice, he's smart, he makes me laugh, he's relatively attractive... but I'm pretty sure I could walk all over him. If we got into a relationship, I have a feeling he would let me boss him around. And I'm just not sure that's the kind of relationship I want to be in. I mean, it may have worked for Buttercup at first, getting Westley to polish her horse's saddle and fetch her pitchers, but as soon as Westley became a pirate, it was the back of the hand if she spoke out of turn.

So here I am again, not really into Broker, not really feeling like Gilbert's into me, trying to find time to email The Comedian but not really feeling very excited about any of it. Add to all that the three hour conversation I had with my ex the other day... I think it's safe to say I'm just plain spent.

Maybe I'll sit back for a while and just let things happen. If there are men out there who really want me, I'm sure they're more than capable of putting in a little effort...

Don't Drink and Date

So I just had a lovely 20-minute walk, 'neath ominous but self-contained rain clouds, trying to figure out how I felt about the date I just had with Broker. I weighed the pros and cons and tried to imagine what sort of blog I would write when I got home, when all of a sudden it hit me: I was humming. Billy Joel: My Life. Excellent tune.

So I guess the humming speaks for itself. I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't really looking forward to this date. In retrospect, I shouldn't have been so pessimistic. It really wasn't so bad. In fact, I think I might have enjoyed myself. One thing I've learned, though, about myself and the world of dating:

Never, never ever go out for DRINKS.

Bad idea. If it's a horrible date I suppose it's okay, because you can make up an excuse and leave after one beer. But if you're even having a sort of okay time, even if you drink at a normal speed, you'll have to order a second drink before you know it. I had two pints tonight. Maybe it was my skimpy dinner, but I really shouldn't even be typing right now. My hands feel all out of control and I can still taste the beer. I'm not drunk, but I'm certainly tipsy.

Don't make fun - I'm little.

So the date went well. Broker was cute. About six feet tall, nice eyes, brown hair... really nice smile. He was totally shy, but that was kind of cute too. Cute, but it came with its challenges. It was clear that, until he felt comfortable with me, I would have to create most of the conversation. Fortunately I was able to step up like a pro, and he warmed up in no time. We talked and laughed and (I think) enjoyed each other.

We are very different. He likes math and business and technology. He's an introvert to the max. He kept talking about all the times he has gone and will be going drinking recently. (Interesting sidenote: I mentioned that, although I like drinking, I'm not really the kind of person who enjoys getting trashed. Moments later, he mentioned that this month was an anomaly as far as drinking is concerned, and he's usually very reserved. Hmmm...)

All in all, I think I had a good evening. I think if he were the only man in my life, I would definitely go on a second date with him. As it is, I think I'll see how things go with Gilbert once he gets back to Canada (in five days!) and go from there. That is, assuming Broker even wants to see me again...

As much as The Site kind of demands it, I'm not a big fan of dating more than one person at a time. Is that going to be a problem later, do you think?

Catch and Release

I'm not crazy.

I'm not crazy, but I am totally weird. I don't know how normal people do it, being all casual about relationships. I'm not casual. I pretend to be casual, I tell my friends I'm casual, but I'm not casual. I stress and I worry and I ponder and I reflect and every little thing that happens means something big. It's a constant effort to pretend I'm happy to just go with the flow. I hate when relationships aren't defined. When they're not defined, they can slip away at any second. I'm afraid of that.

Is this too honest?

I told my friends last night that I wasn't very stressed about the fact that Gilbert hasn't emailed me in a little over a week. I explained it by saying that I hadn't even met him yet - only a crazy person (or someone very very weird) would obsess over a guy she hasn't even met yet. And, to my credit, I really don't think I'm obsessing. But that's the only truth in what I shared with my friends last night.

For the record, I didn't lie intentionally. I think I just told them what I wanted to believe about myself. The truth is, though, I do think about it. Every day that goes by without an email from him makes me a little disappointed. As it gets further and further away from his last email, I lose a little more hope. I try to resign myself to the fact that I must have said something wrong or shown too much of my personality too soon and he's written me off. I tell myself that's okay and that there are other fish in the sea. I remind myself that I have a date with one such fish. Tomorrow.

Go fishing, girl. Forget this guy.

But I think he's pretty great, and I don't really want to forget him. So I was very pleased, more than I'd like to admit, when I checked my email today and found the following message from Gilbert:

;) thinking about ya, just don't have the time to thumb out an email yet.

That's all I needed. I'm good now. Crazy? No, not crazy... definitely weird, though...