French Horse Calls and Other Quandaries

Many of you have been asking about Frenchie. "He seemed so good!" you scold, "What's wrong with you? Why'd you let him go???" I think the answer to that question, when I really look at it, can be summed up in one word. Well one sound, really: Neigh.

I keep replaying that second date in my head, and I think I've isolated the exact moment that might have been the beginning of the end. We were at the comedy club, watching an improv battle. Each team would perform, and the audience was required to rate them on a scale of 1-5. This rating was indicated by applause.

After one specific skit, the emcee came up to learn our rating. "Was it a one???" he prompted, and was met with dead silence. "Was it a two???" - again, so quiet you could hear a pin drop. "Was it a three???" - silence. Silence, that is, but for the voice of my date... neighing. It was more of a whinny, really, but definitely a horse imitation, and definitely all shades of awkward. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't really even make sense of what had just happened. Who neighs? Why would you even do that??

My friends have since asked me, in an attempt to explain the neigh, if the subject matter of the skit was perhaps horse-related. It's possible. I know there was one skit that was supposed to be about horses, but it kind of went in another direction. Regardless, the neigh was the first moment where I found Frenchie unattractive. In retrospect, I truly do believe it was all downhill from there.

So why do I bring him up again? That date was weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since. I figured he must have picked up on my slight change in tone and took it as a sign that I should no longer be pursued. Besides, he moved to Dryden two days later, and it's completely understandable that he might not want to keep up via email all through the summer.

All of this reasoning was so solid, you can imagine my surprise when I checked my email this morning to find a little something from Dryden. That's right, Frenchie has emailed me. Nothing extravagant, just two questions:

1) How are you doing?
2) Are you still eating one banana per day?

I've gotta hand it to him - the man knows what he's doing. If he had sent me a three-pager, as he was once accustomed to doing, I probably would have freaked out. But this? This is smooth and non-threatening. This is artful.

So now what do I do? The man's away until October. Do I really want to keep in contact with him all summer, not having any idea whether or not I'm actually attracted to him?

Oh, this would be so much simpler if he'd just left me with the neigh...

How to Boil an Egg

I googled how to boil an egg today. I felt like such a turd doing it, but I'm only just starting to eat eggs and have never had the need to boil one in the past. I'm perfectly capable of boiling water, but eggs are a whole other story and I wanted to do this thing right. So I found a link through google and to my surprise, it's not such a stupid question after all. Apparently many people have raised the same query, wanting the deliciousness of a hard boiled egg without the annoyance of the green/grey discolouration. Everyone knows how to boil an egg, right? Well maybe we all need to re-learn...

I'm thinking I need a new marketing strategy. I'm in my fourth month of Site exploration and still have yet to meet someone I find truly intriguing. It's not that everyone on The Site is hideous or socially inept. There have been a few guys whose profiles prolonged my gaze, but apparently I'm not what they're looking for. I have emailed and winked actively and courageously with no response. They're just not interested...

Am I aiming out of my league? Do the guys that I find attractive want women who are more attractive than me? I pray that's not the case. I'm really hoping I'm just selling myself improperly. Because if it's just a matter of re-learning how to boil an egg, perhaps there's still hope.

So I call out to you, my readers, my friends. Do you know the secret? What is it that men really want? What is it in a girl's profile that will make a guy take a second look? Do I need pictures of myself in a bikini? At a sports event? I'm not sure I'll be able to make either of those happen, but I'm sure there's something I could do to spice things up a bit. If you know me well, what are my best traits? What should I emphasize (or de-emphasize, for that matter)?

I was thinking of using my writing skills to my advantage. Maybe write my profile in the form of a movie trailer or book blurb: "She was just an ordinary girl, living out her days in the buzzing metropolis of Toronto; until one day, everything changed..." Except I can never really settle on what my blurb would be about. "In a world where singleness was a disease..." Hmmm...

Little help?

Never Mess With the System.

I've been going on so many dates these days, it's hard to keep track of them all. Beyond that, it's next to impossible to keep track of what I wear on them all. This may seem like a silly thing to think about, but it would be brutal if I wore the same outfit with the same guy on two consecutive outings.

So I've come up with a system. Green shirt and gold jewellery for date one, leather jacket, purple scarf and silver earrings for date two. So far it seems to be working. Thing is, I messed with the system tonight. I have a feeling that choice was the beginning of the end...

Dressed in my second date outfit, I headed out for my first date with The Security Guard. We met at the movie theatre so we could get our tickets before we grabbed coffee. After a brief, awkward introduction, he went to one of the ticket machines. I didn't know whether to stand back and let him pay, and he wasn't indicating one way or another. I'm not one to assume, so I went to my own machine and got my own ticket.

Then we headed over to Tim Horton's. On the way there we passed a small group of men who were street preaching. The Security Guard whispered a couple insults under his breath as we walked by. Once in Timmy's, my evening companion started to tell me stories about his job and about how he gets to meet many famous people and wear a bulletproof vest. He then started making very loud comments about the service at Tim Horton's and how he believed they should be working faster.

A man approached us with a sign that said, "I'm deaf. Please spare some change." The Security Guard looked at the man and replied, "I can't read!" and then laughed boisterously.

We spent the next hour talking about his job and his family... and sports. I tried to supply some information about myself, but gave up rather quickly - I was taught that interrupting people is rude. Besides, whenever I did get a word in, he would nod or say "yeah" and then carry on with whatever he was talking about. Apparently I'm just not all that interesting or something.

Thank goodness we decided to watch a movie. The only painful part of that experience was the previews, when he would lean over and trash every movie I thought seemed interesting.

He sings when there's silence. Not just humming, full out singing with words.

After the movie ended (and after I waited for him to go to the bathroom) I began planning my escape. I've already used "I have to donate blood in the morning" on a different first date and it certainly got the point across, but I don't like to lie. (For the record, I really did have to donate blood after that other date... I still admit it was a pretty lame excuse). Fortunately I didn't need to trouble myself with an excuse. I asked, "So can you get to the subway through this building?" and he led me right there.

We got on the train. I sat down. There was a seat right next to me, but he chose to stand above me instead. Every once in a while he would make a comment, but the subway was loud and I'm pretty hard of hearing as it is, so I had to keep asking him to repeat himself. It was awkward.

His stop came first, he said goodbye, lingering a bit too long in order to spit out something about how he'd call me, and then he was gone. The huge sigh that escaped from my body as those subway doors closed made me realize just how happy I was to be alone.

I think I need to remind myself of that more often. Alone really isn't so bad. At least, it could be worse - I could be stuck with a Security Guard who can't read.

Friday Fiasco

In my last blog I promised to regale you with all the details of my Thursday date with Frenchie. Well, I lied. On Tuesday I got an email from The Architect saying that he needed to cancel our Friday date - he met someone. I notified Frenchie of my new opening on Friday and we agreed to reschedule in favour of more time.

So I just got home from my Friday with Frenchie. Dinner and a show... two shows, actually.

We met on a street corner at 6:30. He said I looked nice, and complimented me on my jacket. I said I was cold, so he offered me his toque (he called it a beanie). I declined (in fear of hat head). We walked around the neighbourhood for a while, trying to find somewhere to eat. We finally settled on a really nice Greek place neither of us had been to. He got the roasted quail and I had the spinach- and feta-stuffed chicken. Delicious. He taught me about science and we compared Les Miserables, French verses English.

He paid.

Then we carried on to a comedy club to catch some improv. It was pretty hilarious. So hilarious, in fact, that we decided to stay for another show.

We had 45 minutes between the first and second performance so we walked around for a bit. We found a little candy store and he asked me to pick out my favourite candy. I picked a black licorice cigar - I could kind of sense he was going to buy it for me so I went for 45 cents instead of the dollars and dollars a bag of Jelly Bellys would have cost. I was right. He bought me the cigar. Then we went back for the second show. Not as funny as the first, but still enjoyable.

After the show, he asked what was next. It was about 11:00pm by this point, and I was getting tired. I said it was home time. So we walked to the subway station. He said something about the fact that I'm always smiling. I said that people tell me I smile a lot, but it doesn't feel like I do: "I'm pretty regular, I think... just like everybody else." He did that pensive pause again and said, "You are definitely not like everybody else."

And that's when I started to freak out.

At least, I think it was then. It could have been sometime between the first and second show. But all of a sudden I didn't know how I felt about this guy, and was pretty sure I wasn't head over heels, and really just wanted to get away. I didn't want to look at him because if I did I knew I'd pretend to be googly-eyed and into him and I didn't want to do that. And I didn't have anything to say. No conversation starters - since when does that happen????

We got on the subway and rode a few stops together before we had to part ways. He spoke as though we would be keeping in contact all summer. He asked me if I needed him to see me home. I said that I thought I'd be okay on my own. We got to my stop and he stood to give me a hug. We "have a nice summer"-ed and I was gone.

Yeah, I totally freaked out.

I was into this guy at one point, right? I know I was before I met him. His emails were gold. And there's no denying that he's a great guy - funny, intelligent, cultured, attractive... But for some reason something inside of me changed and I got weird. Again.

Is it just that I haven't found the right guy yet? Will I know when I do? Or will I get up to or around the second date with every amazing guy I meet and then hightail it out of there?

At least there's still The Security Guard. I meet him tomorrow. Stay tuned...

Life, Death and the French

I caved a bit yesterday and made a move on Frenchie. He wasn't asking me out and I knew that April 11 was quickly approaching (the day he leaves for a six-month stint in Dryden) and I was not okay with the idea of communicating all summer with a man I've never met. So yesterday I sent him an email saying that we should probably meet before he goes, and giving him my number. He called me last night, at around 10:00.

Good talk. Talked for about two hours. He had a cute French accent, was just sarcastic enough to keep me on my toes, and seemed to have intelligent opinions about things. And he made me laugh. I liked that. I'm not going to say it wasn't a little awkward at times, but can you really expect a first-time phone conversation to be completely natural? We finished the conversation by making plans to meet each other.

Skip to today.

I woke up, hung some stained glass in my windows (I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about that), installed a toilet paper holder in my bathroom (used a drill and everything!) and then Frenchie called. Turns out he had plans after 5:00 today, so it was to be a day date. A walk through Mount Pleasant Cemetery.

We met outside the subway station and awkwardly greeted each other. We both went for a handshake, but at different times, while the other was going for a hug. Things, I find, are less awkward when you state them, so I was glad when Frenchie said, "Maybe a hug?"

It was a nice hug.

We made our way to the cemetery, and it was very clear that he expected me to know where I was going. I've been to this place a handful of times, but I'm certainly no expert. So it was with a little apprehension that I led us down a path in search of "The Enchanted Forest" that a good friend had once introduced me to. I found it. It was still enchanted.

Conversation was good and natural, and he asked me almost as many questions as I asked him. He kept making comments about things we could do on future dates, or things he could teach me, or things I could teach him. Maybe he likes me? I also noticed, for the record, that whenever we hit a spot in the path that was only wide enough for one, he would always stop and let me go first. Very sweet.

We came back out of The Enchanted Forest and walked around the cemetery for a while. Many cars were driving through the cemetery, and he insisted that I walk on the inside because, as he said, "It's important that if a car comes, it gets me instead of you." That's two points for Frenchie. Well played. We talked about family and friends and work and life and death (which is only strange if you forget that we were walking through a cemetery). We quoted the sound of music... pretty cheesy, but it made me giddy in a little girl way. He said he'd take care of me (he's 32, going on 33, but I'm just a naive little 27-year old - if you don't know SoM, just ignore the last bit of this paragraph).

I mentioned that I was thirsty and said, "I bet we could find a good place to get a drink on Yonge." He countered that he bet we couldn't, and then said that whoever lost the bet had to pay for the drinks (which is rather hard to do if there are no drinks to be payed for). Very clever, Frenchie. Three points, going strong. We found a Starbucks and he bought me a Tazo Passion Tea Lemonade. It was delicious.

We sat in large comfy chairs that he called "the storytime chairs" and we told each other stories and asked each other questions. I finished my drink in the first five minutes, while he sipped his green tea throughout the whole conversation. He offered to buy me another, but I graciously declined.

He has nice brown eyes and just a little bit of beard stubble.

We saw a Vespa drive by and I said that I wanted one. He was silent, so I continued with something lame like, "I think I could pull it off." He looked at me, called me by name and said, "I think a girl like you would look good driving pretty much anything."

Sigh...

So we finished our drinks and he walked me back to my car. I offered to drive him to a library so he could return a movie he had signed out, and he accepted. We listened to Metric. I think he was unimpressed by the fact that it was a burned CD. I was a little ashamed.

He said that he would love to have a break from studying and packing this week if I was free. Problem is, I've got plans each weekday evening from about 7:30-on, Friday I'm going out with The Architect, and Saturday I'm going out with The Security Guard. I didn't tell him about the other dates (am I supposed to do that?) but I told him an outline of my schedule and he said he'd be happy to come visit on Thursday, even if just for a few hours between work and my evening commitment.

So I've got a second date with Frenchie, I guess. Thursday. Mark your calendars, check back later. I promise, I'll keep you posted.