Futile Attraction

I've forgotten what it's like to have a crush. I don't know if I crush the same way every woman crushes or if I go a little overboard, but I have a feeling I'm pretty hardcore. Go big or go home, right? Right. I think I have a crush on Gilbert. In the past week I have been guilty of all of the following:

• He told me what neighbourhood he lives in. I google mapped it and calculated how long it would take to get there from my house.
• I find every word he writes adorable. He told me that he bought running shoes the other day and it made me sigh like a little girl. I don't even run.
• I showed his profile to my mom. For the record, she thinks he's very special.
• I had a daydream yesterday wherein he came back from the Czech Republic and before he even had a chance to tell me he was home, we ran into each other at a pub. He was even hotter in person.

He was supposed to come back to Canada this past Friday. A few days before the fateful day, he emailed to say that his return had been delayed. He won't be coming home until June 8. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little frustrated. I just want to meet him already! I don't like growing closer and closer to someone I haven't met in person.

For the record, I have good reason for this. About five years ago, I met a guy online. Through myspace, actually, which was very uncharacteristic of me, but he was creative and interesting and totally hot. So we started emailing each other - a two or three pager every single day for months. We spoke on skype a few times and he had a very normal sounding voice. We talked for hours and hours and I loved it. He made me laugh. He got me.

We finally agreed that we should meet. He took a train all the way from New York City and I met him at the train station. The moment I saw him in person, though, all my hopes of a whirlwind romance were crushed. I just wasn't attracted to him. He looked exactly like he did in his pictures, but there was something in the way that he stood or carried himself that I just didn't like. We spent the next ten days together in complete agony. It was horrible.

I need to be attracted to the man with whom I will share my life. This may sound superficial, but it's true. And yes, there have been guys who became more attractive to me as I got to know their personalities, and yes, I believe attraction can grow; but I really do think that, for the most part, you can pretty much tell right away. It's either there or it's not.

So all this to say that I want to meet Gilbert because I want to see if I'm actually attracted to him. And if I'm not, I don't want to waste any more time. I suppose I could find in him a good friend, but in all honesty, I'm not in the market for any more male friends. The ones I have are enough. It may seem cold, but it's the truth.

In other news, Broker and I are most likely meeting this coming Thursday. Drinks: time and place to be determined. Every email I get from him makes me a little less interested in him, which is unfortunate. Maybe it's just that I'm becoming more and more interested in Gilbert? I don't think it's only that. Broker seems to be hungover a lot. I enjoy a drink just as much as the next person, but I'm not really into habitual hangovers. I'm getting too old for that shit.

Also, there's a new guy. A comedian. He's funny and cool and I think I'd probably enjoy going out with him, but I'm not feeling there's much by way of commonalities between us that would make things work in the long run. At any rate, I'm enjoying talking to him for the time being. And he said the other day that receiving an email from me makes him smile. I liked that.

So the journey continues. I'm trying to keep my eggs in many baskets, but it's hard when one of the baskets seems so much nicer than the rest...